What the Heck is Wrong with these People?
by closeyourmouthkristenstewart
Summary: What would happen if Stephanie Meyer was as wierd as us? Here's a sample. Hilarious, easy to read, exciting and unexpected. After this, READ THE SEQUEL!
1. Chapter 1: What's with Rose?

These aren't my characters or anything, all Stephanie Meyer, blahblahblah, but some _are_ mine. You'll know 'em when you see 'em.

Bella's point of view

"Crap," I heaved with a sigh as I trudged into my tiny home.

"What did you do this time?" Charlie asked in a disinterested tone.

"You know how you always say that you learn something new every day?"

"Yeah… Why?"

"Well, I learned that if you cut a dog's head off, it won't grow back."

"Which dog did you decapitate?"

"Mr. Fuzzikins, the Newton's new puppy."

"Ah. You know Bella, you shouldn't go running around with that machete. The guys at the station might wonder about those pills the doctor prescribed," Charlie scolded.

"Yes, dad. I'll be more careful," I said, while rolling my eyes.

I drag myself upstairs, hoping Edward is still on his leash like I left him. While walking down the hall, I am startled by a voice from my bathroom.

"Hmmm… Shampoo bottle…"

I peek around the door, only to see Edward closely examining my shampoo bottle. I guess I shouldn't have even bothered with the leash.

"Hey, Eddie," I sigh without interest in his odd behavior. Last week I caught him running in circles in my living room with one of my bras fastened to his head. This is _normal._

"Oh, hi Bella!" Someone's chipper today.

I dragged my feet into my bedroom, collapsing onto my bed stomach first, waiting for Edward to quit obsessing with my shampoo. I heard his footsteps on the hardwood floor, and he sat next to my limp body.

"What's wrong with you today, too much Prozac?" he asked with a hand on my head.

"Yeah, and I cut a dog's head off, the owner got mad, and now I'm bored like crap."

He patted my head in apology. "Hey, let's go to my place. That ought to cheer you up," he said in his annoyingly happy voice.

We rode in his shiny Volvo in silence until it got so loud, I had to ask a question or I would scream.

"Why are you so freaking happy today?" I snapped randomly.

"Well if you must know, I auditioned for The Sound of Music today and I think I really nailed it! Think I'll get the part?" he asked, still perky as a cheerleader on drugs.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" I said, immediately perked up. "Who did you audition as?"

"Maria!"

"Ooh she's my favorite character!" I squealed.

We broke out in My Favorite Things, singing the whole way to his house.

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens!" I sang.

"Red copper kettles and warm woolen mittens!" Edward followed.

We kept it up until we got to the house and out of the car when Rosalie burst out the door giggling and ran out into the yard where she started to spin in circles. Emmett steps outside, sticks his arm out just in time for her to run right into his iron grasp. With his hands around her waist, he attempted to drag her back inside. We followed him as he walked up the steps and Rose looked Edward in the eyes and bellowed, "Ello, ol' chap! Dandy day we're having!"

"Emmett, why is she talking in a British accent?" Edward asked.

"Everything sounds smah-ter with ah British accent!" Rosalie chirped.

"Emmett, what kind of pills did you give her?!" I exclaimed.

"Josh said they were 'happy pills' and she was all depressed!"

"And who is this Josh?" I asked warily.

"A friend of mine," Emmett said, looking at the hardwood floor of the foyer.

"Nice lack of information!" Edward snapped.

"Why is ev'ryone bloody yeh-ling?" Rose screamed, breaking the tension in the air and making us all laugh.

"Is Rose still blabbering in British?" Carlisle asked as he strolled into the room. All eyes were on Rose as she started to gnaw on her arm.

"Jasper tohld meh I sound smah-ter with ah British accent!" Rose burst out, and then resumes her slobbery chewing. Everyone slowly turned their heads toward Jasper, who was until now silently gazing out the window. He started to fidget under the pressure of their murderous glares. After a while, it was too much. He jumped out of his chair yelled, "I just wanted to have some fun!!" and sprinted out the door.

"Well that was odd!" Alice chimed as she skipped into the room. She froze mid-skip as she took in the sight of Carlisle. "What is THAT?!" She shrieked, her gaze still fixed on Carlisle. All eyes transferred to him and opened wide. Silence filled the room until I screamed.

"HOLY CRAP!!"

"What?" Carlisle questioned.

"WHY are you wearing a Speedo?!" Edward yelled.

"Well, I'm going swimming!" Carlisle replied. Then a voice came from upstairs.

"Carlisle! Come back up here! I want more of that candy, if you know what I mean!" The familiar voice was Esme.

"OMIGAWD," whispered Alice.

"I've been scarred for eternity," Edward whispered painfully.

"I did NOT need to see that!" I said with a shudder.

"I didn't even know you _owned_ a Speedo!" Emmett commented.

"So why are you wearing it?" Edward asked.

"Well I needed something quick to slip on when I came downstairs for some water!" Carlisle replied.

"We don't drink water!" Edward said in an irritated tone.

"What makes you think we were going to drink it?" Carlisle asked simply with a shrug.

It took one second for everyone to get where he was going with this. We all froze in horror, our jaws dropped to the ground. No one said another word as Carlisle walked into the kitchen, got a large amount of water, and headed back upstairs. After the shock wore off, everyone started to walk into the living room when Carlisle made another appearance.

"Oh, I almost forgot something," he said out loud as he grabbed a rubber glove and a footstool and then went back upstairs.

Nobody was ever the same again.


	2. Chapter 2: Ready to Go

Bella's point of view

We were all just sitting around in the living room, chatting a bit and listening to the squeals and bangs coming from upstairs, not really caring that Rose was all dazed and woozy. She was resting her chin on the lid of my water bottle, which was balanced on the edge of the glass coffee table we were all circled around. It slipped out from under her and her head crashed down on the table. The glass shattered into thousands of pieces.

"Oops," she said, not really having any expression in her voice. She got up, got a broom, and started sweeping. We all burst out laughing, so hard that I almost wet myself, literally. I snuck away to the bathroom, did my business, and washed my hands. I then noticed a bottle of pills on the counter. I know how all the teachers in school tell us not to do drugs or to eat something we're not sure about, but these were too interesting. I licked one, and it was tasty. I popped about 5 more into my mouth before leaving the bathroom. I strolled into the living room as if nothing had happened and sat on Edward's lap.

"Eddie, honey, I'm bored," I said, using my best puppy eyes.

"Well, what do you suggest?" he replied with a grin.

"Hmmm… Let's go out clubbing!" I suggested.

"Sure, let's go!" He said as he swept me into his arms. With a flash, Alice was blocking the door.

"No. No clubbing until I get to have Bella as my Barbie!" Alice huffed with her arms crossed.

Edward set me down on my feet for a better arguing position. Alice stepped forward.

"Pleeeease?" she asked, falling to her knees in the begging position. "Pretty please? Can I?" She asked, and then started poking me while saying, "Please? Please? Please? Please?" Finally I gave in.

"Fine."

"YAY!!" she squealed as she latched onto my waist and swung me over her bony shoulder.

"I'll wait for you two down here," I heard Edward say.

"No siree," Alice scolded. "You're going to change into something presentable right now."

"But I don't _want _to. I already look hot!" he whined.

"Got that right, babe," I piped up from my upside-down perch on Alice's cold shoulder.

I could practically smell Alice's fury. "You are going to change, or I'll put something on Bella that's so revealing, all the guys will be hitting on her the minute she walks in," she said icily, not bluffing one bit.

All of the whining and complaining disappeared and without a word, Edward was in his room, putting on the clothes Alice showed him to wear within seconds. Then she brought me into her monstrous bathroom and started doing my makeup. She forced me into a dark purple cocktail dress before letting me go back downstairs.


	3. Chapter 3: Clubbing Escape

Edward's point of view

Loud pop music blasted out of the giant speakers at the Misty Monkey club. The room was tightly packed with tons of sweaty, gyrating bodies. Bella and I danced, but not as aggressively as some. She began to stumble a bit as we danced and looked paler than usual.

"Hey Eddie, I'm not feeling so hot. Can we sit down for a bit?" she asked trying her best not to slur her words or trip in those stilettos Alice forced her into. We picked a table away from the main scene, and she practically collapsed into a chair, looking worse than ever. She hadn't had one alcoholic drink, but she looked like she had twenty.

"You want me to get you some water, love?"I asked, concerned.

"Sure, do whatever you want cause I loooove you no matter what you do!" She paused for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. "Do you think they sell New York cheesecake in Idaho? I like cheesecake, what about you?" she let out a giggle then burped a bit, laughing even harder.

"I am going to go get that water. Stay right here and please don't do anything stupid," I begged before I hurried off to the bar.

The bartender was really slow and I barely kept my temper under control with her. Once I got that water, I returned to our spot only to find nothing but a metallic silver stiletto and a pair of underwear on the table. I glanced up to see Alice running towards me. She didn't anything, but she showed me one of her visions in her mind.

_Bella was running through a park holding a duck like a football in one pale arm and the other flailing wildly. Her mascara was running down her cheeks and she was soaking wet. She pauses in front of a woman on a bench holding on to a stroller. She reaches into the stroller, drops the duck, and takes off with the baby held above her head._


	4. Chapter 4: Saving Bella

Alice's point of view

We sprinted to the car and zoomed off towards the only park that Forks has. Edward was driving, going 200 mph. Even for him, that was pretty fast. We didn't even bother to park in the parking lot, speeding through the grass.

"STOP!" I screamed at Edward when I saw a familiar figure in a tall tree. Before he had even touched the brakes, I opened the door and jumped out. I heard the squeal of tires, and soon Edward was right beside me, both of us gazing into the top of a huge oak tree. There was Bella, leaning on a nearby branch, chewing on it. A squirrel scurried by, and she barked at it.

"Bella, honey, I'm coming up to get you!" Edward yelled up. Bella barked back, and started panting. "Alice, you go find the mother of that baby and apologize!"

"Sure, whatever," I said just as Bella took off her other stiletto and threw it at Edward. He was looking at me, so it hit him square in the head.

"Bella! What was that for?!" he yelled.

"Meow!" she replied. By this time, I was rolling on the grass laughing.

"ALICE! GO FIND THE MOTHER, NOW!" he screamed.

"Yes, sir shoe-in-the-face," I replied with a bow as he climbed into the tree. Bella was on her hands and knees, barking nonstop. As I was running off, Edward was carrying her while she chewed on his shirt.


	5. Chapter 5: Bella Messes up Some more

Emmett's Point of view

Alice, Edward, and the really screwed up version of Bella were back, and Bella was tied to a chair. We couldn't really hold a conversation without being interrupted by some odd animal noise, but we tried anyway.

"So, what did she get into?" I asked.

"What do you think?! You left the 'happy pills' on the bathroom counter. She went in the bathroom, and-"Edward said, interrupted by a loud moo. He sighed. "Look what you've done to her!"

"Well sorry! Do you know how many she took?" I asked.

"No, but how many did you have to start with?" Edward questioned.

"20."

"And how many did you give Rose?"

"2."

"And how many are left?"

"13…"

"Oh, sh**. She took 5 frickin 'happy pills'. Great job, genius!" he yelled at me, going on and on. I didn't care though; I was shutting him out of my mind.

"Oink! Haha I'm a chicken! Oink oink!" Bella butted in. Edward sighed, untied Bella, and carried her upstairs.

A few minutes later, we heard some squealing, a loud bang, and a lot of clattering. Edward yells, "OH, NO!" We all raced upstairs, and just outside Edward's bedroom we heard him cooing, "All you alright, my darling? Are you scratched? Oh, baby, I love you!"

I peek inside, expecting to see him obsessing over Bella, but instead, he is rubbing a c.d. on his face, cooing to it while Bella, looking very shocked, was buried under a mountain of . His whole collection was on the floor, and Edward did not look pleased.

"Bella, how could you?! You completely screwed up my perfect organization! I'm going hunting, and while I'm gone, you better clean it all up!" he yelled.

"Ookayy bayybayy!! Hehe ouch…" she said. I stepped over various to get to Bella, helped her up, and sat her down on Edward's couch. Edward stormed out of the room, and Alice followed him, trying to convince him that it wasn't Bella's fault. I started to alphabetize his collection while Bella drooled on his couch, leaving a giant glob of spit. Yuck.

A few hours later, Edward returned, obviously calmer than before. Bella was back to normal, (or the closest she can come to it) and Edward's collection was all in order. He walked into his room, began to inspect, but turned around infuriated.

"What?" I asked.

"You put it in alphabetical order," he fumed.

"Yeah, I did. And?" I replied, not getting what he was pointing out.

"I _had_ it in order by year and personal preference!" he yelled.

"Well how was I supposed to know? I have no idea what your 'personal preference' is anyway!" I yelled back, fists clenched.

"Chill, babe. I'm sorry, it was my fault." Bella said shamefully to Edward.

"No, love, it wasn't your fault," He whispered, smoothing Bella's hair. _Shut up, _I thought to Edward.

"Well don't be mad at Emmett, he tried his best!" she said, coming to my defense.

"Okay, love. I love you, love. Let's go downstairs, love. Okay, love?"

"Sure."


	6. Chapter 6: Back Home

Bella's point of view

Later that night, when I got home, Charlie had heard all about my little adventure. Since he's the chief of police here in Forks, the woman whose baby I had stolen told him everything. He gave me the scolding I had gotten at least 100 times from various teachers, don't do drugs. At least he didn't ground me. I went upstairs, and Edward was in my room as usual.

"Hey," I sighed.

"Hello! Why are you all depressed now?" he asked, fiddling with a rubber band.

"Well, I got high, left my underwear and a stiletto at the Misty Monkey, ran around with a baby and a duck, climbed a tree, chewed on a tree, and made loud animal noises all day. Not to mention I just got a 45 minute lecture from officer dad," I complained.

"Well, look on the bright side! You have the hottest boyfriend who ever walked the planet!" he said, striking a pose.

"That wasn't gay at all," I rolled my eyes.

He laughed, "Well It's totally true!"

"Sure, you just keep on thinking that."

In the morning, he was still in my rocking chair, where he always is in the mornings. I got up and went and took my shower. While still showering, I had an idea. I plugged in my hairdryer, and tried to use it while still in the shower. The second I turned it on, a sharp pain ran up and down my entire body. I fell over, falling out of the tub and my face fell right into the toilet. I got up, dried off, got dressed, and went back to Edward. He was talking on his cell phone with someone.

"Okay, I'll be there! Wait for me at the corner of Buttocks and Peewee at 5 pm," he was saying as I walked in. "See ya later!"

"Who was that?" I asked as he flipped the phone shut with a clack.

"Just a friend of mine," he said without any particular tone in his voice.

"Oh, okay. Do you want to go bowling?"

"Oooh, sure!" he said looking rather homosexual.

"Okay… What's with the voice?" I said, raising one eyebrow.

"Oh… Umm…" he cleared his throat. "Oops," he said in a surprisingly deep voice.

"Okay, let's go. How about Balls and Pins Bowling? I like the carpet there!"

"Oh, I know! At all the other places it's too tacky. It makes me want to go on a full out renovation spree!"

"Totally!" I squealed, and we were off.


	7. Chapter 7: Spying and Suprises

Bella's point of view

After bowling, Edward dropped me off at his house so he could go hang out with his friend. I didn't even know he _had_ friends. He never talks to anyone but his family. Social skills do not exist in him.

I asked Alice to drive me to the corner of Buttocks and Peewee in an attempt to spy on Eddie. MY Eddiekins-bo-beddiekins. Alice agreed, as long as she got to choose my outfit. She dressed me in a black turtleneck, black spandex pants, and a black ski cap. She decked me out with 'bling' too. Before I stepped out of her yellow Porsche, she jumped.

"I almost forgot..." she trailed off, searching for something in her giant purse. "Ah, here we are," she said and pulled out a hockey mask and put it on my face. It was the old kind, like Jason wore in those scary movies.

"What the heck is this for, Alice?" I asked.

"To protect your identity. Oh and put this on, too," she said pinning a nametag with my name on it.

"Ooh, is this supposed to protect my identity, too?"

"Nope, it's an accessory. Isn't it darling? I found it in the trash can!" she chirped in her girly voice. "Now get out," she said, pushing me out of the car and speeding away. I looked around for any sign of my Eddie, ignoring the weird stares I got from people.

As I glanced around, a certain store caught my eye. It was called Tootsie Pop: lingerie for men. I walked in, hoping to find a little something for Eddie to wear. A familiar head appeared in my peripheral vision and I looked up from the pile of man thongs on sale to see _my _Eddiekins-bo-beddiekins looking at the more expensive, edible panties. _Hmm I wonder if they come in chocolate_, I thought idly to myself.

I ducked under the table that the undies were being displayed on, crawled to another rack of slutty dresses, and somersaulted over to the man-bras all while humming the _Mission Impossible_ theme song. I do another somersault, just because it was fun, and roll right into Edward.

"Watch where you're go-" he stopped, then looked at me with a shocked look on his face before asking, "Bella? Is that you?"

"Wow, Edward! You're really good at this! How'd you know it was me?" I asked, amazed.

"You're wearing a name tag…" he said, looking at me as if I was stupid or something, which I'm NOT.

"What about it?"

"It has your name on it," he stated.

"Yeah, and?" I asked, and then realized that it gave me away. "Stupid Alice."

"What?" he asked.

"Never mind. So, what are you doing here?" I asked, just as Mr. Banner, Edward and I's old science teacher, walked, no, _skipped_ over to us.

"Hey Eddie, which one do you like better," he started, holding up two clothes hangers with undies on them. "The pink thong or the strawberry edibles?"

"Oh, the thong, you can so totally pull that off!" he said with a giggle.

"You're so right!" he squealed, skipping off.

"Be careful Eddie, I think he has a _guy crush_ on you!" I whispered before somersaulting out the door and onto the sidewalk. I stood up, looked around, and realized that I didn't have a ride. I walked back inside and saw Edward and Mr. Banner. Mr. Banner was caressing Edward's shoulder and whispering in his ear. Edward giggled.

"Hey Edward, honey, can you drive me home?" I asked him, and Mr. Banner walked off.

"Sure," he answered. We got in his Volvo and sped away, back to my house.

"Thanks for the ride," I said as we pulled into the driveway.

"Sure, no problem," he replied with a shrug.

"Funny thing seeing Mr. Banner back there. What a coincidence!" I said as I leaned over to kiss him. I made contact with his lips and he froze.

"Bella…" he whispered.

"Yes, Eddiekins-bo-beddiekins?" I responded between kisses.

"Bella, stop!" He said as he pushed me off of his lap. I'm really not sure how I got there, but I did. "Bella, I can't do this anymore! There's just no denying the truth!" he spoke quietly, but he was sort of yelling too.

"What? You can't do what anymore? What _is _the truth? I'm so confused!" I yelled.

"Bella, I'm gay. I'm _with_ Hugh. I love him! He's the one! I'm running away to Manhattan with him tonight, no looking back or saying goodbye," He whispered the last sentence.

"But… I… you… What? And who's Hugh?!" I whispered, almost to myself.

"Hugh is Mr. Banner. Mr. Hugh Banner. And I only dated you because I wanted to make my family happy, and you looked like a man," he explained.

"What? I do NOT look like a man!" I yelled, and fell to my knees on the floor mat. While doing so, I hit my head on the dashboard. While covering my head and groaning in pain, Edward asked me to get out of the car. He is very impatient, so he opened the door and shoved me out.

"I'm here, I'm queer, but don't get used to it because I'm leaving, honey!" he yelled out the window before he sped away.


	8. Chapter 8: New Life and more Suprises

2 Years later

Bella's Point of view

"Bella, honey, are you alright?" Emmett asked, frantic.

"OWCH! AARGH!! AACK!!! GRAAHHH!!!!" I screamed. I was rocking back and forth, clutching my stomach, and gyrating my head in circles.

"Mommy! What's wrong?" Rosalimmelislemesperward jogged over to me, her blonde ringlets bouncing in the air. Don't make fun of her name; I wanted to name her after Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Gayward. (Edward)

"Rosalimmelislemesperward, Mommy and Daddy are busy!" Emmett yelled at her, and then punted her. She flew across the room, limbs flailing, and crashed through the back window, soaring into the forest. I heard the cracking of wood.

"Okay! Sorry, Daddy!" She said as she skipped back and began to pick up the glass. Since she's half-vampire, she isn't hurt easily. Being punted through a window and into a tree didn't even faze her.

"Where does it hurt?" Emmett asked me, still frantic.

"Uh, I don't know, maybe the place that I'm clutching my hands to?" I screamed back, trying to be sarcastic.

"Oh… Okay… Do we need to get you to a hospital?" he asked.

"YES. BRING ME TO CARLISLE, NOW!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I could've cared less about how Emmett felt at the moment, since the pain in my body was excruciating. Only once before have I felt this much pain…

"Rosalimmelislemesperward," I whispered to myself.

"What about Rosalimmelislemesperward?" Emmett asked me.

"The only time I have ever felt this much pain before is when Rosalimmelislemesperward was born!" I answered, feeling smart.

"CRAP. ANOTHER FRIGGIN BABY OF CARLISLE'S? I THOUGHT YOU STOPPED CHEATING WITH HIM!" Emmett scolded me.

"Hey, I was drunk, and I never did it with him again! This one is _yours!_" I replied.

"Really? _Mine?_" A smile blossomed on his face, ear to ear.

"Yes, yours, Emmet! This is your first child!" I said, wanting to jump up and down. "ACK!! LET'S GO!!"

"Okay, sorry! Rosalimmelislemesperward, come on, let's go with momma!" Emmett yelled over to the clueless Rosalimmelislemesperward. We all got in newly purchased Corvette.

"Too bad Alice and Jasper aren't here," I said, but just then Alice and Jasper drove up. They turned around and followed us to the highway. When we got there, Alice pulled the car up next to us so we were driving parallel to each other so that Emmett and Jasper could discuss the problem. Once we got to the hospital, Carlisle was just walking out the door.

Right now, you're probably wondering where Rose is and why Bella and Emmett are together. You see, while Emmett and Rose were touring Southern France, Rosalie overdosed on her happy pills AGAIN. She jumped out of her tenth story hotel room, making a huge hole in the ground below her. The sun just happened to be out and everyone saw her in her true form. The volturi were immediately informed and they killed her as soon as they got the chance.

Then came back a sad and depressed Emmett, not leaving his room for crap. Finally, I got so fed up with this; I stormed into his room one day and gave him the lecture of his life and then BAM! Sparks flew and we were inseparable. In fact, we stayed in his room for three days straight, only leaving to eat and use the bathroom (for me).

I laid on one of the hospital cots, writhing and screaming in pain.

"Okay, Bella," Carlisle said as if he were giving me a pep talk. "I'm going to have to have you push as hard as you can for at least ten seconds, then you can rest for a minute. Ready? PUSH!"

"AAARRRGHHHH!!!" I shouted, squeezing Emmett's hand for dear life. I then heard a disgusting, juicy noise and something squishy escaped from my butt. When I looked over my belly, I saw Carlisle, frowning, covered in poo.

My Emmett erupted in laughter, and I would've too, if the darn pain hadn't freaking came back. I sucked in a large breath, and prepared to scream my head off once more.

Twenty minutes later, I was still pushing and yelling with all my might once more, and then before I knew it, something slid out of me so fast, that if Carlisle wasn't in front of me, it would've went right through the hospital walls. I let my tired body go limp as I gazed at the fluorescent lights.

"It's a girl," Carlisle announced with a smile, even though it wasn't his baby this time. "What will you name it?"

I pondered it for a good minute before speaking. Emaddie Taylie Cullen," I said proudly.

Emmett gave me a quizzical look. "Where'd you get that name?" he asked me just as two nurses who happened to be my friends walk in.

"Hey Emily, hey Maddie," I said casually to them. Emily Taylor had long brown ringlets and Madeline (Maddie) Marie had pin straight blonde-brown hair. They smiled at me and continued their argument.

"But I wanted a _cupcake_, not a muffin," Maddie complained.

"They're the same thing!" Emily retorted.

"NOOOO, a muffin is more like bread; a cupcake is more like cake."

"Whatever, they're both in the wheat group or something like that."

"Are you deaf, woman?"Maddie shrieked. "I said, muffins are in the bread family, and Cupcakes are in the cake family!"

"They're in the food group together!" Emily gave up.

They stared at each other without a peep, looking bored. Then Maddie piped up. "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead."

"_What?_" Emily said, getting confused, which isn't that hard to do.

Maddie gazed at the ground, looking just as confused. "I don't know."

And with that, they walked out of my room, chatting idly as if nothing ever happened.

Just then, my beautiful Emaddie was handed to me and as soon as I saw her face, I knew that all of the pain and suffering was worth it. I gazed deep into her eyes—which happened to be brownish-bluish-green with a hint of gold around the pupil. I sat there, shocked at the strange color, and then looked up to Emmett who seemed to be wetting himself with excitement.

"Emmett, why are her eyes multicolored?" I asked softly.

He was too happy to hear me. "She has my feet!"

I rolled my eyes and spoke louder. "Emmett! What's with her eyes?"

"Oh! Sorry, I was too consumed with her marvelous feet. My eyes were greenish-blue when I was human, and yours are brown with gold in the center, so the genes got jazzed up."

"Jazzed up?" I asked him curious about his vocabulary.

"Well, how about I say 'pimped'" he suggested.

"No. Just forget it." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Okay, I'll go get Alice, Jasper, and Rosalimmelislemesperward from the waiting room." He said as he walked off.


	9. Chapter 9: Meeting Charlie

Bella's point of view

A few days later, we were back home, and Emaddie seemed to like her new home. She was growing fast, just like Rosalimmelislemesperward did. She's already walking and talking and reading, too. We had also discovered that her favorite food was rice and she preferred muffins over cupcakes. Her and her sister eat human food and enjoy it, but only for little snacks. They go hunting with Emmett and he says they like to ride on the animal before they kill it and eat it. Sometimes after they kill it, they use them as dolls and make them talk to each other. I personally find nothing wrong with that, but Emmett tells me it's not normal. Whatever, I don't care.

I took Emaddie over to see Charlie for the first time. Charlie had found out that the secretary at my school, Ms. Cope, was his 'perfect match' on eHarmony. Turns out that Ms. Cope is a bit of a psycho. She's always sitting on his lap and whispering in his ear or something, and I couldn't stand it so I moved in with Emmett.

Emaddie was a big surprise to Charlie.

"Hey, dad," I said as I let myself in. "I have someone you need to meet," I continued.

"Yeah? Well who might that be?" he asked me as he walked out of the kitchen.

"Dad, this is Emaddie, my newest daughter," I said, tickling Emaddie's tummy. She giggled, but it sounded more like a gargling cat. Somehow, it was still cute.

"What? When did you find out you were pregnant?" he asked, really confused.

"Just a week ago, when I went into labor," I told him.

"Well, then, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because I wanted to show her to you instead of telling you about her," I said as Emaddie jumped out of my arms and dug her little fingers into the ceiling. She crawled around, saying 'I'm spider-girl!' "Aw, do you remember back when I used to do that?" I cooed.

"Yeah, last month. I remember quite well, actually." He said, rolling his eyes. He studied Emaddie as she released her grip on the ceiling and fell right into my arms. "She doesn't look like Rosalimmelislemesperward at all," he said.

"Yeah, funny thing…" I say, trying to be inconspicuous.

"It's like they're from different fathers," he said, eying me suspiciously. "Bella, who is the father of this child?"

"Emmett! Who else? Dad, I love Emmett," I say, trying to make him feel bad for suspecting anything.

"Who is the father of Rosalimmelislemesperward?"

"Well, one night I had a headache, so I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed some random painkillers. I took one, or two, or maybe 7… I don't remember!" I said, exasperated.

"You took _7_ pills?!"He yelled.

"Yes, dad, I did take 7 pills," I said, rolling my eyes. I do that a lot. "But it wasn't nearly as bad as before! Wait, no, I had 5 the first time. Never mind. Anyway, then I got a hold of some scotch and had a bit too much. I also managed to shove some down another guy's throat, I'm not going to tell you who just yet. We kinda went crazy, dancing together, and I ended up in his bedroom with him. We were too drunk to remember protection. And I ended up with Rosalimmelislemesperward," I explained.

"Well, who-"Charlie was cut off by Ms. Cope.

"Darling, I'm bored. Come upstairs and entertain me!" Ms. Cope yelled.

"Yes, Elmira, I'll be there in a minute hun!" he said with a smile.

"Ew, dad! This is the whole reason I moved out!" I yelled, closing my eyes and covering my face. "I'm gonna go now…" I trailed off as I backed out the door. "Emaddie, come on! Stop chewing on the sofa!" I scolded her. She ran at me and I spread my legs just in time for her to run right through them and tumble down the brick steps, pushing off of the 3rd one and flipping into a double back flip and sticking the landing with her arms fully extended to the night sky.


	10. Chapter 10: Shoes and KungFu

Emaddie's Point of view

"BUT I SAID I CALLED THE PINK HEELS!" my annoying sister, Rosalimmelislemesperward screamed. We were the same size in shoes, and Alice had brought home 2 pairs and we both wanted the pink ones.

"You know that pink shoes don't work with blondes! My brown hair perfectly complements melon colors," I said, not liking to waste my voice on screaming at her.

"But- What about my white dress? I always wear my necklace that's that exact color with it, and now you take my perfect shoes!" she argued.

"That's not even your necklace," I calmly told her as I bent over and took the shoes, walking away and leaving her with the sherbet orange ones.

"GIVE THEM BACK!" she screamed, and ran towards me. I turned around and scooted over just in time for her to run past me and into the couch, flipping over it. She got up, balled her fingers into a fist, coiled back, and lunged her whole arm forward. Her arm disconnected from the socket and flew across the room at me with incredible force. I did the Matrix as it zoomed past my left ear, got up, and her arm curved back around the room to get right back on her shoulder, reconnecting itself. I ran to her and shoved her backwards, causing her to land with her back on my favorite Littlest Pet Shop hamster wheel.

"You know I'm the better fighter," I plainly stated and again picked up the shoes and walked to my room.

About 30 minutes later, Rosalimmelislemesperward knocked on my door.

"Hey, Emaddie?" she said.

"Yeah, sis?" I replied.

"Sorry," She said. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," I said as she opened the door.

"Well, you know I really liked those shoes, and you also know I suck at fighting. You also know that I eat crayons, and that I wiped my butt with momma's hair when she wasn't looking."

"Yeah, all true, and your point is?" I said, not getting it.

"I don't have one, I just wanted to point that out," she replied.

"Oh. Okay!" I said.

"Oh, look! A kitty!" She said as she pointed at the cat, Truffle.

"Rosalimmelislemesperward, that's _your_ cat. You got it as a gift when you were born!"

"Oh…" she said, twirling her hair with her finger.

"Ugh, whatever," I sighed as I turned to my computer and started playing poker.


	11. Chapter 11: Poop in Bella's Hair?

Bella's Point of view

I was in my bathroom, contemplating why there was this squishy, brown, stinky stuff in my hair, when Emmett walked in.

"Hey, what's up, babe? And why is there poop in your hair?" he said, stopping in his tracks as he stared at my head.

"Oh, so that's what it is!" I said, grateful he pointed it out. "I don't know how it got here though," I said as I heard giggles from just outside the door. Emmett opened it and scolded Emaddie and Rosalimmelislemesperward for spying.

"Do either of you do this to mommy?" he asked them.

"What?!? We were out of toilet paper!!" Rosalimmelislemesperward yelled as she sprinted down the hall. Then Emmett picked up Emaddie.

"Mommy and Daddy are having a talk together. Go play with Rosalimmelislemesperward," he said softly before punting her down the hall.

"Okay, daddy!" she said as her voice faded. A thud was heard from across the house. "We need to fix the wall again!" She yelled up to us.

"Okay, I'll do that later," Emmett answered before he shut the door. "So, you have a vampire husband and 2 half-vampire kids. Why aren't you one yet?" he asked me.

"Uh… I'd rather not…" I said, backing into the shower and hiding behind the curtain.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna change you now," he said, rolled his eyes, and walked out.


	12. Chapter 12: The Extremely Bloody Change

Emmett's point of view

After the incident in the bathroom, Bella said that she had to eat, so I fixed her some peas drenched in peanut butter. She gazed warily at the food, with a horrified expression.

"Emmett, what the crap is that?"

"Food. What else could it be?"

"Well it looks like it just came out of your butt."

"Oh. Sorry, eat up," I said with a shrug. I walked out of the kitchen and hid in the hall. After a couple of minutes, I snuck back in, trying not to be noticed by my kids who were sitting on either side of Bella. I bent down to her neck and bit her. I backed up, only to see blood spurting out with such force, it hit Rosalimmelislemesperward and forced across the room and into the wall.

"AH, OW! Good God!!!! That hurts!" She screamed. I soon realized that the venom didn't actually go into her neck, it just dribbled down onto her sweater. The blood was still strong enough to keep Rosalimmelislemesperward in the same spot.

I walked around to the other side and tried again, failing miserably, but this time, the blood slammed poor Emaddie into the other wall. Bella screamed even louder, shouting long, long lines of rude words that I didn't even know existed. I pulled out her chair so I could try biting the front of her neck. I again failed and her blood pushed me through the table, breaking it in half and out the window. As I was flying through the air, I saw Carlisle rush to the dining room and bit the back of her neck and closing off all the wounds with gauze.

I ran back to the dining room with invisible speed to see Bella's neck beginning to bulge. I heard a slight rip and her head shot right up into the ceiling, covering the room in her blood.

"Emmett, put my head back on my body, you stupid idiot!" her disconnected head yelled as it rolled across the blood spattered ground.

"Hey, look at the bright side," Carlisle said. "At least your kids are enjoying themselves." He pointed at Rosalimmelislemesperward and Emaddie licking the blood off the floor. Puddles of drool replaced the blood soon. I decided to join them, tuning out Bella's baboon screeching. Eventually, Carlisle put Bella's head back on and she resumed her transformation. She accepted it gratefully after losing all of her blood in a rather painful way.

Unlike everyone else, Bella was completely normal during the change. She was walking, and talking, and everything else. She walked into the bathroom, not coming out for a good hour or so. She came out, stumbling and giggling.

"Um, Bella, what's wrong with you?" I asked with a sigh.

"Do you know that people in the pancake region of Guatemala eat cotton balls?" she slurred heavily, collapsing onto the couch. I knew she had taken some sort of medication, but which one? I walked into the bathroom to find the medicine cabinet door open and empty pill bottles strewn across the bathroom floor. You know, I'm surprised Bella hasn't died of overdose, yet. I mean, a normal person would be dead by now. I'm also surprised she isn't in an asylum yet. I sighed and walked back out, making a mental note to get a child lock for the cabinet. Even Bella can't open those.

The next day, I noticed something different about Bella. Her chest was looking a little deformed since the last time I saw it. I couldn't help but stare at it and I could've sworn that I saw it twitch. I suppressed a shudder and walked into the kitchen.

When I walked into the kitchen, I saw that Rosalimmelislemesperward and Emaddie both had pots on their heads, tongs in each hand, and they walked around going: "Beep, boop, boo bop boo boo beep."

They've been doing this since three a.m. and I don't know how they've stayed entertained for so long. I sighed and walked into the other bathroom, hoping to find peace and quiet there. I found Carlisle there, playing pirates in the bathtub. I decided to go to Alice's room looking for decent company. And of course, Alice and Esme were playing house together with Alice's play kitchen. It was meant for my kids, but Alice enjoyed it too much. I sighed even harder and walked out of her room.

Shortly after, I heard muffled Beethoven music coming from down the hall. I followed the sound in attempt to find its source. It came from behind Jasper's door, so I opened the door ever so slightly and peeked in. I was horrified to see Jasper in a lilac colored leotard and a princess pink tutu, doing ballet. Despite how creepy it was to see my brother dressed like that, he was actually pretty good. I just hope that he doesn't run off with a male teacher or anything.

After a few minutes of watching him, I retreated to my room to play with my Barbie Dreamhouse.


	13. Chapter 13: Goat Boobies!

Emmett's point of view

The next day, Bella's boobs were looking even weirder, and I _definitely_ saw them moving. I'm pretty sure everyone else noticed, but we didn't say anything, except for Rosalimmelislemesperward.

"Mommy, why do your boobies looks funny?" she asked while sitting on the sofa next to Bella.

Bella made a face like she didn't know what we were talking about. "But honey, what are you-" she paused in mid sentence as she gazed at her slowly deforming boobs. "What the crap!?"

"Rosalimmelislemesperward! You do _not_ talk to your mother like that!" I scolded before punting her across the room.

"Oops! Sorry Daddy!" She said, returning to her place on the sofa. Rosalimmelislemesperward patted Bella's boobs. "They're not _that _ deformed mommy."

"Baaaaa," everyone stared at Bella's chest which moved again. Carlisle eventually broke the uneasy silence.

"Bella, I'm going to have to have you lift up your shirt," he said professionally.

Esme, Jasper, and Alice left the room, leaving only Emaddie, Rosalimmelislemesperward, Carlisle, Bella, and me in the room. Bella still looked just as uncomfortable as she pulled it up and we all gasped in horror at the two goats that had replaced her boobs. They had chewed their way out of her bra like baby chickens making their way out off eggs. They looked around with big eyes and the left one let out a long Baaaaa.

"What are we going to do?" I asked, thinking about how ruined mine and Bella's love life would be with goats for boobs.

Carlisle gazed at her boobs thoughtfully. One of them began to chew on Emaddie's shirt and the other stared intently at me.

"Well, we only have two choices," Carlisle started. "I can cut them out, or if you like, you can keep them."

"I don't know, I kinda like them," Bella cooed, petting the left one. "And I already have names for them! This one's Lefty, because it's on my left," she said, pointing to the left one. "And this one is Bon Jovi, because it's on my right." Everyone stared at her and she grew uncomfortable once more. "What? I think Bon Jovi is a great name!" she said before storming into the kitchen, still shirtless.

It was silent for a minute but then someone screamed. Jasper ran out into the living room, letting out another girly scream. "Omigawd, Carlisle, that was sooo gross! What's going on?!" he shrieked.

"Bella seems to have a breast deformity. She named them lefty and Bon Jovi," Carlisle said in his doctor voice.

"Lefty, No! Don't chew on Alice's hair! It's rude!" Bella scolded in the kitchen.

Jasper screamed again and ran outside on his toes, swinging his arms like a little girl.

We were quiet for a short moment when I spoke up.

"Does homosexuality run in the family, Carlisle?"

"Possibly," he said. "I might have to infect someone with what I think is the gay gene." Carlisle gave me an expectant look.

"What? Oh, no Carlisle! I am NOT taking this gene. You made me take the chicken gene and the Yoda gene, and you know what happens when I get those shots!" I yelled, feeling the urge to kick something. I wondered where Rosalimmelislemesperward was.

"But, Emmett, the side effects only last for two days."

"Yeah, two days of having a bunch of hair covering my entire body!"

"But it's better than passing gas every twenty three point two seconds for a week."

"NO I am not going to look like a gorilla!" I shouted, grabbing Emaddie and punting her through the wall and storming off.


	14. Chapter 14: Surgery!

Carlisle's point of view

"Bella, If you want, before we make any decision to cut off your little friends, I would like to do an exploratory surgery to find out more about Lefty and Bon Jovi," I said, trying to use my professional doctor voice.

"Will it hurt?" Bella asked, looking nervous.

"Can I watch?" Rosalimmelislemesperward looked excited.

"Bella, you will be numb for it, and Rosalimmelislemesperward, I think your mommy wants privacy for this," I replied to both of them.

"Aw, poo," Rosalimmelislemesperward said, looking disappointed.

"Now, if you will leave, I would like to start surgery right away," I said. Everyone left but Bella, and I got all my supplies out.

I started with a shot to Bella's armpit. Then, I made a small incision right below Bon Jovi. I opened it up a bit more to look inside, brought my head closer to get a better view inside, and saw a flash of black come at me. I felt a sharp pain on my forehead, backed up, and held my wound. I looked down at the goat, and saw a little leg and a hoof sticking out where I made the incision.

"No, bad Bon Jovi!" Bella scolded.

I continued by cutting a big slit all around Bon Jovi. I looked in and realized they weren't just heads, but their whole bodies were in Bella, with heads sticking out. I extracted Bon Jovi completely, leaving just a big hole where Bella's boob should be. I set him on the ground, and he trotted off to go chew on the couch. I then did the same to Lefty, finding out that it's a girl goat. Bella looked at the twin holes in her chest and shrieked.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!?" she yelled.

"Well, they can live outside of you, so I continued to take them out of you. By the way, Lefty is a girl,"

"Aw, then she'll be Leftette," she said with a smile.

"We're going to give you plastic surgery to replace them," I told her.

"Well, at least I'll have boobs," she said with a shrug. "Go on, to the surgery now," she ordered.

"Okay, just a minute. I'll get the supplies," I said and went into my secret medical supply room. To my surprise, there was a woman in a trench coat hiding in the corner, rolled into a ball. She had stacks of empty doughnut boxes around her. but when I looked closer, I saw that she was a man.

"Who are you?!" I asked.

"Uh, forget that," he said, standing up.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Uh, I've been waiting for Edward to come back for like, 2 1/2 years, living on doughnuts alone. He told me to stay here, so I did," the stranger said.

"Well, do you know where he went?" I asked.

"No, he just told me that I had to stay here because if I came out, Bella would know he was cheating on her," he said plainly.

"Well, Edward ran off with his science teacher 2 years ago and I haven't seen him since," I said, glum.

"Ugh! that little slut!" he said with a sneer. "I knew he would end up cheating on me!" he yelled and jumped out the window, landing with a thud and a scream. "I'm okay!" he yelled up to the window. I shrugged and grabbed my supplies, going back downstairs.

I replaced Bella's boobs and washed my hands. I then collected the goats and put them in a cage. They happily chewed on the towels I placed on the floor, completely ignoring the food and clean water. This made me think, Why don't they want food? Then and idea struck me like a two by four. Maybe they're vampire goats! But where would I get the blood? Another idea hit me. Man, I'm smart!

I tracked down that guy in the supply closet who hadn't moved from the spot where he fell. I lifted him up without a problem and carried him into the living room where Emmett gave me a surprised look.

"Carlisle! You're gay, too?" he asked, frightened

"No, no, no. He's for the goats," I corrected.

"The goats are gay?!"

"NO! I'm extracting some of his blood and I will feed it to the goats, genius."

"Oh, okay..." Emmett trailed off, trying to hide his embarrassment.

I pulled out a syringe and shoved it into a vein and got out as much blood the syringe could hold and replaced the water with blood. The second the goats sniffed the blood, they were fighting each other in order to get some more.

Once they finished the blood in the cup, they burst through the cage and latched onto the guy who had passed out by now and sucked him dry. Afterwards, they lied on their backs in content, licking their lips.


	15. Chapter 15: Love of my Life

Rosalimmelislemesperward's point of view

"See you later momma!" I called over my shoulder. Momma waved to me and Emaddie. I was so happy that we got to keep the goats as pets. Momma's boobies were back to normal. We were taking Leftette and Bon Jovi on a walk down the road. We were about 20 feet from the house when Bon Jovi somehow created a noise that sounded exactly like the rocket launch countdown, without moving his mouth. He then emitted a large amount of smoke, flapped its wings (he drank Red Bull) and lifted off the ground. He turned a flip in the air and zoomed off to the west.

"Crap! Rosalimmelislemesperward, go get momma!" Emaddie ordered. I ran inside and explained to mommy how we had given Bon Jovi a bowl of Red Bull. We both ran outside and showed her the direction Bon Jovi went.

Random Emo Guy's point of view

I was devastated. My also emo girlfriend dumped me for the 3rd time this month. Oh, how I miss Cordelia. I hate my life. I'm never good enough for her, and she's the love of my life. I deserve to feel pain right now. I grabbed my plastic knife from my Cooking with Barbie set that I had sharpened. I heard a goat sound from under my bed, paused for a moment, then told myself I had imagined it. I took the knife to my wrist and pressed in. Oh, it hurt so good.

"Baaaaa," is there really a goat in my house? How did it get in here? Why is it interrupting my cutting? Where is it? Why am I asking so many questions when nobody will answer? Should I ask another question? Should I go find out where the goat is? Should I stop asking questions now? Okay, I'll stop now.

I looked around my room, and I saw that there was a grey goat with crimson red eyes coming out from under my bed. It had two wings that looked like they belonged on an angel. Was this just some really screwed up Pegasus? I don't know why, but this goat was amazingly, strikingly, beautiful. It walked over to me and looked at the cut on my wrist. It sniffed my blood. Then, it stuck out its tongue ever so slightly and pressed it on my wound, moving it up and down. it felt amazing, the spit was so cool. I think I have found the _real_ love of my life. I fell to my knees, and hugged this beautiful creature. I stroked it's silky fur. I gently kissed its nose, beginning to move down to its lips.

"Baaaaa!" the creature reared back at my kiss and bit my neck. More beautiful pain. I love this creature, I hope it never leaves. I felt the life starting to drain out of me. I noticed that I didn't feel pain in my neck and looked up. I saw it start to flap it's angelic wings.

"No, don't leave me! I love you!" I screamed to it as it broke through my window and flew off into the sunset. I got up and tried to get my knife, but I couldn't pick it up. I realized that my hands were slowly forming into hooves. I glanced up at the mirror, and I had 2 hairy ears sprouting from my head. "NOOOOOO!!!" I screamed as I fell to my knees on the carpet.


	16. Chapter 16:Quarters and Strawberry Syrup

Bella's point of view

We had been looking for Bon Jovi for 30 minutes when we heard flapping of wings and clacking of hooves behind us. We all turned around to see Bon Jovi standing in the middle of the road.

"Come on, Claire, let's ride the goat!" a woman said.

"Okay, momma!" a little girl, obviously named Claire, replied. I watched as the woman placed Claire on Bon Jovi and pulled out a quarter.

"Hmm. I can't seem to find the slot," the woman said. "Oh, here it is!" she reached towards the back of Bon Jovi, and his eyes widened.

"Baaaaa!" if goats could scream, they would sound like that. Bon Jovi bucked a bit and ran in circles, and then crouched for the biggest buck of his life. He had a look of pure concentration on his face as he flung his rear end up into the air, sending Claire flailing and screaming through the air, over the trees and off into the unknown.

It was a couple of hours later and we were just getting back home. I had scolded Bon Jovi for being so barbaric, even if it was provoked. We had dug the quarter out of his rear and gone to look for Claire. When we found her, she was in a meat market playing poker with a bunch of old men.

"What took you so long?" Emmett asked when we walked through the door. I explained what happened to him and he sighed. "You can leave it to a little girl to end up playing poker in a meat market."

I retreated to my room, which was turquoise with white sheep painted on the wall. I sat on my sheep-shaped couch and read my favorite book, Turquoise Eggs and Ham. A few moments later, my door creaked open. I glanced up to see nothing but the open door. I shrugged and kept reading my book. Then, I heard the sound of an explosion, and I screamed and blacked out. When I regained consciousness, I was taped to a chair that was dangling from the ceiling.

_How did that happen?_ I thought to myself. I looked down, and saw 2 small children standing under me. They were whispering and giggling, glancing up at me every once in a while. They were each wearing different colored dresses, sparkly and floor length. One of them was wearing a lime green dress, the other baby blue. Each had a tiara balanced on their hair, which was pulled back in buns. I soon realized that these girls were Emaddie and Rosalimmelislemesperward, just dressed up all fancy-pantsy.

"Girls! What are you doing to me?" I asked, shocked at their behavior.

"Oh, nothing, don't mind us," Emaddie said, looking diabolical. We all sat in silence for a while, both of them looking at me with an evil smile. Finally, one spoke.

"On behalf of both Princess of the Shells and I, Princess of the Flowers, we make a request." Emaddie began. "On many occasions you have denied our politely asking for horses. Now, you have to agree, or be put through many tests until you finally agree. If you pass all 3 tests, we do not get our wish. However, if you give up or fail, we get 2 horses of our choice. So, do you give in now, or start the tests?"

"Uh… Well… Yes?" I said.

"WRONG!" they both yelled. In an instant, they both had a water gun, matching their individual dresses, which sparkled. I think they bedazzled their water guns! Before I could ask what they were going to do, I figured it out for myself. A bright red stream of gooey liquid erupted from the guns, drenching me.

"WHAT _IS _THAT STUFF?" I screamed, but some dripped into my mouth. "Ooh, yummy!" I squealed in pleasure as I discovered it was just Strawberry Syrup.

"CRAP!" Rosalimmelislemesperward said.

"Ugh. Come on, let's get the 3 tests set up," Emaddie said with shoulders slumped and walked off. Rosalimmelislemesperward followed her, leaving me hanging from the ceiling.

"Wait!" I yelled. "Get me down!" There was no reply.


	17. Chapter 17: The first test: Math

Emaddie's Point of View

"I really don't think we should do this," Rosalimmelislemesperward said, being a little pansy.

"Oh, come on! Do you want a horse or not?" I replied, a bit snappier than I intended.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," she said, looking scared of me.

"Come on, help me grab this chalkboard," I ordered, lifting up the new chalkboard onto its stand. We walked into the other room where momma was taped to a chair that hung from the ceiling. I sped towards the wall with all I had and ran up it and onto the ceiling. I stood there, upside down, next to momma's chair as I pulled out scissors.

"Rosalimmelislemesperward," I called down to her. "Get under and catch her when I cut the tape," I ordered, knowing she was stupid enough to do it. I cut the rope going to the ceiling and mom and the chair dropped down onto Rosalimmelislemesperward and not only squished her, but pushed her through the floor. Mom, still in her chair, fell through the hole in the floor after Rosalimmelislemesperward and they both were in the kitchen, and what was left of the floor was in little pieces scattered around them.

"Oops," I said, and jumped through the hole to help them. I cut the tape binding momma to her chair, but then put her in handcuffs and a shock collar. I brought her into my room where the chalkboard was and removed the handcuffs.

"Mom, don't even try to escape because we have an electric barrier so that whenever you get too close to this cable," I pointed to a green cable running in a circle around where Bella was. "the collar shocks you." I said, trying to look down-to-business.

"Yes, and it will be this way through all three tests. You are probably wondering what the chalkboard is for, and we will tell you," Rosalimmelislemesperward said, cuing me. We had all this planned out and we had memorized a script.

"This is the math test," I began. "We will give you a question, and you have thirty seconds to work it out on the chalkboard. At the end of 30 seconds, we will ask for your answer. You must get at least 2 out of 3 correct to pass," I explained.

"If you do not pass, we get horses. If you do pass, you go on to the second trial," Rosalimmelislemesperward said. "Of course, you can always give up now," she said with a smirk.

"Come on, start it already!" Mom said, growing impatient.

"No talking unless permitted!" I scolded, shooting her with my bedazzled water gun filled with egg nog.

"Now, here is your chalk, and Emaddie will be the question asker. Once the timer starts, there is no stopping it. If you do not finish the question, that is a strike against you," Rosalimmelislemesperward continued to explain.

"Get your chalk ready, it's time to begin!" I ordered to mom, making her nervous. "What is 6+4?" I asked and watched her work out the problem. Her scribbling on the board looked like this:

_6+4=____so 46 must be ____ and my mother's name is R__e__n__ee__ so 3E=3D+A, so the final answer is 10._

"Time is up!" I announced. "What is your final answer?"

"10!" she said, excited but unsure. Rosalimmelislemesperward pulled out her calculator, worked it out, and finally nodded to me signaling Mom had it right. Darn.

"Correct! I said, trying to be as enthusiastic as game show hosts on TV. "Get ready for the next question," I told her. "Time for the next question. This one is a little bit harder. What is 20+11?"

_If my 3__rd__ boyfriend of 4__th__ grade had 12 apples, he would give me 3. 3x4=7, 7x12=84, 84/3=28, 28+11=40, 40-20=20 and my seventeenth boyfriends name is Joe. 20+Joe=2762._

"Time's up!" I called. "What is your final answer?"

"2762!" she answered, and I glanced over to see her working out the problem on her calculator. She looked up and shook her head, smiling.

"WRONG!" I yelled in mom's face. "Strike 1!"

"Next question, we're running low on time," Rosalimmelislemesperward told us.

"Okay, here we go! Emmett has 6 pineapples. He eats 2, shoves 1 up his butt, and combs his hair with 1. How many does he have left?" I asked, raising one eyebrow. Again, she scribbled out numbers and letters on the chalkboard saying:

_Emmett is a pig that eats a lot so the 2 that he eats he doesn't even peel. However, the 1 he shoves up his butt he does peel, leaving approximately 25.381% in the trash can. The one he combs his hair with he keeps in his terribly cluttered drawer, so 1+.25381=1.25381. 6-2=4, 4-1.25381=2.74619 pineapples._

"Time is up, what is your final answer?" I asked her.

"2.74619 pineapples!" she screamed, and then head banged to inaudible music.

"Correct!" Rosalimmelislemesperward told me, clearly shocked.

"You have passed the first test." I told her, not happy.


	18. Chapter 18: Obstacles and WifePlanes

Rosalimmelislemesperward's Point of View

"Come on, hurry up! You're working like a snail!" Emaddie complained as we set up for the second test.

"Well why don't you just do it yourself?" I asked, mimicking her annoyed tone.

"Because that would make the work go even slower! Now get to it!" she yelled. Even though I'm the oldest by 11 months, she still orders me around like her slave. I guess she's just more assertive.

"Fine, I will, but why are we doing this in the first place?" I whined.

"Because I want a horse!" she replied, looking really annoyed. I closed my mouth tight and continued with set-up.

A few minutes later, we took mom from her cage. She had been chewing on the iron bars, but that did nothing to help her escape. We took her into the backyard where an obstacle course had been set up and handed her a bike.

"I don't know how to ride a bike!" she said, in disbelief that we would force her to ride it.

"Oh. Then walk the course!" Emaddie said, finding a quick solution.

"You will not be timed, but if you fall and are not running the course for 7 seconds, you lose. Ready, begin!" I yelled, startling Mom with the speed of my start. Mom started jogging super slow, so she wouldn't trip over anything. Somehow, she didn't see the six inch hurdle and tripped over it, doing a double flip and landed head first into the dirt. Momma's head lodged about a foot deep into the ground but she stood up, her head quickly following and she started back up at a steady jog.

A few feet later, there was a colorful tunnel she had to go through. She somehow slammed her head on the outer ring and fell backwards on her butt. Mom stood up, thinking of how to approach the tunnel. Her face lit up, obviously coming up with a plan. She backed up a couple steps and took a running start towards it, diving into it, sliding all the way through it with incredible speed. Within a couple seconds, she was out of the tunnel, still sliding on the ground, screaming. She slid over all of the other obstacles, still on her stomach. She curved with all the turns of the course. Bon Jovi was observing from the side of the course and jumped onto Mom's back.

Emaddie and I gaped at this. After she finished sliding through the course, she turned around and zoomed towards us. She continued at full speed and we thought we were toast for sure, but she lifted off the ground and took off like an airplane, with Bon Jovi still on her back.

Just as Daddy, Alice, and Carlisle were coming back from hunting, they saw Momma soaring into the sky, they stopped in their tracks, gazing wide-eyed at the sight.

"It's a bird!" Alice shouted.

"It's a plane!" said Carlisle

"No, it's just Bella with Bon Jovi on her back,'" Daddy sighed, not really surprised.

Me and Emaddie exchanged worried glances as Daddy eyed us suspiciously. We attempted to retreat into the trees behind us, but our plan failed.

"Hey, you girls get back here!" Daddy ordered.

We ran over to him and clamped onto each of his huge legs, looked up to him, and said in unison, "Yes, Daddy?"

He looked totally at peace as he stared into our puppy-dog eyes. "You two girls are just adorable," he said, and began to spew out compliments like he was hypnotized.

"Emmett, come on! We have to go find your wife-plane and her passenger," Alice said and walked off. Daddy jolted, having had the spell of cuteness broken, and we all got in the car to search for momma.


	19. Chapter 19: Banana Pudding

Emaddie's point of view

"Get mom in here!" I ordered my sister who was moving about as fast as a snail that was high.

"Okay, okay, don't rush me," she said icily, dragging mom in by her hair. Mom was drooling and swinging her arms in a circular motion.

"I will rush you! Now GET MOVING!" I screamed, feeling like a drill sergeant. I like drill sergeants. Rosalimmelislemesperward swung mom in the air and threw her down onto the couch like a ragdoll.

"Momma, we have brought you here for the 3rd and final test," Rosalimmelislemesperward began.

I followed her up, further explaining the rules. "What will happen is you and Rosalimmelislemesperward will each be submerged in a giant bucket of banana pudding. You will swim to the surface and climb out. Once you get out, you will drive this broomstick to New York and back. Once you get back, there will be a note left in your bathroom. Find the note and follow the instructions."

"I will be competing against you," Rosalimmelislemesperward said. "Whoever finishes the course first gets a 10 second head start for the conclusion of this challenge."

"You won't know what that is until we get to it," I said.

"Did you catch all that?" Rosalimmelislemesperward asked mom.

"I think," she said, looking sort of confused.

"Then please get to your starting points," I ordered, pointing them to the 70 gallon tanks of banana pudding. They each got in, mom not looking pleased at all.

"GO!" I screamed, signaling the start of the race. I watched as the pudding jiggled. I could tell they were both struggling to break the surface of the pudding. As expected, Rosalimmelislemesperward emerged first, climbing out and running to her pink and green broom.

"Up!" she screamed at it, but it didn't move. She kicked it and tried again. "UP!" she yelled, more forceful. There was still no response. She started running with it, still not taking off. She headed straight for the woods, and I knew immediately where she was going. In the forest, a stream runs through. If you cross the stream and keep going straight, the trees clear out and there's a huge drop-off, at least 100 feet deep. If she jumped off that, she would surely take off.

"I'm flying, I'm flying!" I heard, muffled from the large amount of trees. "Wait- no I'm not. Crap," she continued. She screamed, and as she did so it became more and more quiet before I finally heard a large thud. "I'm okay," she said.

Meanwhile, Bella was still struggling to overcome her pudding. I noticed that there was less and less in the container. As her head finally poked out from the top, I realized she had eaten it. She spit some out and tried to wipe some of the pudding off of her, but it didn't do much. She gave up and ran to her broomstick.

"Up," she calmly said. No response came from the broom. "May I please ride on you?" she said sweetly to the inanimate object. Strangely, that worked. It floated into the air and she got on. As she flew off, I returned my attention to Rosalimmelislemesperward. I ran into the forest in the direction she went. As I approached the cliff, a strong gust of wind blew from the west, pushing me sideways. I almost fell over the side of the cliff as well.

"Rosalimmelislemesperward? Are you okay?" I asked, peeking over the edge of the cliff.

"YUP!" I heard a hundred feet below. As I watched her attempt to ride the broom, momma swerved through the trees, trying not to hit them like her reckless broom wanted to.

"Wait, NO! I thought we had a deal!" mom shouted at the broom. It ignored her. I saw Rosalimmelislemesperward clawed her way back up, brushing off the dirt on her clothes only to be knocked off the cliff once more by mom and her evil broom. I watched them fall, not bothering to ask if they were okay, and then walked back to my house to watch some SpongeBob.

About three hours later, Rosalimmelislemesperward and mom barged through the door, shoving each other out of the way to get into the bathroom. Once they got in there, it grew silent, and a large bang and a muffled scream. I walked over to the bathroom and peeked in to see Rosalimmelislemesperward wrapped up in the shower curtain like a mummy and plunged into the wall, only her bottom half sticking out.

I gritted my teeth. This wasn't going like it was planned. Mom quickly ran out, trampling over me in the process.

"Don't worry, I have a spare," I told Rosalimmelislemesperward as I waved a sheet of paper in the air like a flag. I set it on her legs, which were still sticking out of the wall and walked back to the TV and SpongeBob.


	20. Chapter 20: Red Nissan

Bella's point of view

I personally don't like traveling or heights or pumpkins, but I have to do this anyway. Why did I have to go to New York anyway? I guess Emaddie is just evil like that. She's too much like Emmett.

The note that I got from the bathroom was really confusing. I didn't really get what it was trying to tell me. It said:

_Go to Miami, Florida and talk to Mr. Toadmuffins at the fish market on 23__rd__ street._

How confusing is that? I decided to stop and ask a local what they think it means. I finally figured out how to control this broomstick, so I lowered it to a highway and flew next to a red Nissan. I signaled for them to roll down the window, and they did.

"Excuse me, can you tell me what this means?" I asked the woman in the passenger's seat, handing her the note.

"Well, sure! It means go to Miami, Florida and talk to Mr. Toadmuffins at the fish market on 23rd street," she said simply with a smile.

"Oh, okay! I get it now," I said, grateful for her cleverness. "Thank you!" I said and pulled out of the highway and continued to Miami.

It was a long flight, but I finally got there. I stood in the middle of 23rd street and spun in circles, looking at the town around me. Suddenly, I found myself flying through the air and hitting the ground, skidding to a stop about 100 feet away from where I was previously standing. I looked over to see a red Nissan like I saw on the highway. Then, as a familiar woman climbed out of the passenger's seat I realized that it was the same car.

The woman ran to me, looking concerned. "Hello there! Sorry we ran you over. We followed you all the way from Salt Lake City to ask you a question! What's your name?"

"Bella," I answered.

"Oh, okay then! Bye!" she said, and returned to her car. I watched as they drove off.

I got up and brushed off my jeans. Glancing to my left, I noticed an old sign that told me that it was the fish market. I skipped inside, trying to look normal.

"Hello, everyone!" I said cheerily, still trying to fit in. I walked to the counter and asked the man behind it where Mr. Toadmuffins is.

"Well, you're talkin' to him," he said with a grimace.

"Oh, okay, well I'm Bella Cullen," I said before being interrupted.

"Wonderful. Our special today is salmon for just a buck a pound," he said, looking disinterested.

"No, I'm not here for any fish. My daugh-" I cut myself off, not wanting to make Emaddie seem like she bossed me around. "I mean friend told me to come here and talk to you," I said, correcting myself.

"Well, what would you want besides fish?" he asked, looking confused.

"Okay, you may recognize the name Emaddie. Do you know her?" I asked.

"Yeah, and who are you?" he said, still looking disinterested.

"Bella Cullen, I told you that. Emaddie told me to talk to you," I said, annoyed.

"Oh, okay. Go to the Mauna Kea volcano in Hawaii and talk to Marvin the Merman, who lives at the base of the volcano, which is under the sea," he said, reading from a note in his hand.

"Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling it's better down where it's wetter take it from me!" someone behind me burst out singing, and I recognized it from The Little Mermaid. I looked at them strangely and exited the fish market, grabbing my broom and taking off.


	21. Chapter 21: Elbow Licking

Emaddie's point of view

Have you ever had one of those times when you don't notice how annoying someone is until they're gone and you're at such peace that you just want a foot rub? Well, I have and that's exactly what I got.

"A little to the left- yeah, that's just right," I said, letting out a deep content sigh. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're welcome. How much am I getting paid for this?"

"Isn't my presence enough?" I asked, opening my eyes and flashing my hypnotizing smile.

He looked at me blankly, temporarily dazed. "Yes, darling," was all he said.

Bella's Point of view

I was headed for the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Marvin the Merman was very lazy and simply handed me the letter, going back to napping. Since I'm a vampire, I didn't have to breathe and I swam with the fishies for a while. Once I came back up, I grabbed my broomstick and rode across the Pacific and to California. When I got to the Golden Gate Bridge, Rosalimmelislemesperward was directly behind me. I flew to the top of the bridge and jumped onto one of the support beams. A few feet away, 2 notes were taped to another beam. I jumped onto It, and just as I did, Rosalimmelislemesperward landed beside me. We both tried to get the notes first, and as we read them on top of the Golden Gate Bridge, I pushed her off. I watched her fall, screaming, and hit the water with a splash. She climbed back up, soaking wet, with lightning speed and we glared at each other.

Then, I was falling. I guess I zoned out in those few intense seconds, and I was jerked back to reality with the feeling that I was falling. I looked around, and I was.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! CRAP!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I screamed before I hit the water with incredible force. I crawled back up to my broom and flew off, leaving Rosalimmelislemesperward standing there looking at me. I flew off and headed to a souvenir shop. I was to buy Emaddie a good souvenir and bring it back to Forks. I chose a pink and green sparkly dress at the designer shop next to it because there were no good souvenirs. I put it in a bag and carried it outside where the broom was waiting. I took off and headed to Forks.

Once I got there, I raced up to Emaddie and handed her the bag.

"Where's Rosalimmelislemesperward?" she asked, obviously disappointed in her sister's performance.

"Last time I saw her, she was soaking wet on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge," I said, not caring.

"Oh, okay then," she replied and walked off.

"Wait, what are you doing?" I asked as she walked away.

"I'm going to call her," she said, not turning around. Just then, Rosalimmelislemesperward flew through the sky, spinning corkscrews down to us and landing smoothly about 10 yards away.

"I'm here!" she said, out of breath.

"How do you get out of breath from riding on a broom? You don't even have to do anything!" Emaddie asked.

"I don't know…" she replied, looking thoughtful.

"Okay, let's get this over with. The first person to lick their elbow wins. Mom, you get a 10 second head start. GO!!" Emaddie explained, and then startled me with another unexpected start. I bent my elbow and stuck my tongue out to it, not touching it. After a few seconds of trying this, Rosalimmelislemesperward got to start. I saw that she didn't bend her elbow, just threw it forward in a punch. Her arm disconnected, just like in Chapter 10. It rocketed forward, but turned around and headed back to Rosalimmelislemesperward. As it got close, she leaned to her left and stuck out her tongue. Her arm flew past her, but the entire length of her arm was licked including her elbow.

"We win! We get horses," Emaddie said and skipped off. Rosalimmelislemesperward reconnected her arm and did the same. I went inside and sat on my bed, pouting.

**Love it? Well sorry, but we're starting a new fanfic, and we're going to put our attention mainly on it. We'll still update this one every once in a while. Don't worry; we still have 1 more chapter to add! Love ya!**

**~MADDIGAN!!~**


	22. Author's note

**Author's note. Sorry ppl!**

**As you kno, we're not gonna add much more to this story. But we ARE starting a new 1, but with the main characters being US!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!**

**Okay, that was unnecessary. 1 question though. Would you rather us wrap up this story and THEN start the new one, or add that chapter we're just dying to put in, go to the other story, and add to this one every once in a while? If we do the second, we're probably going to add a sequel to this.**

**Comment with your answer!!**

**Love ya!**

**~MADDIGAN!!~ (Emmy isn't here)**


	23. Authors note again

**Ok, so I haven't gotten any replies yet.**

**Do you people not like the story?**

**ANSWER THIS:**

**Should we….**

**End this story and start the other or**

**Add the next chapter, start the other story, and add to this one every once in a while?**

**PLEASE save us from the decision to make.**

**To all of you: I LOVE you!! (But only if you help with the decision) :P**


	24. Chapter 22: Lemon Cookies

Rosalimmelislemesperward's point of view

"I'll be right back, I have to poop," I told Emaddie and skipped into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and strained with all my might, grunting and screaming in the process. My family used to run in screaming "are you okay?" but now they know I'm just crapping. I continued to strain, flexing the muscles in my butt.

"Ooh, lemon cookies!" I squealed in surprise when I turned around to admire my poop. They were, in fact, little lemon cookies, drizzled with what looked like chocolate. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a plate. I picked up the cookies from the toilet and neatly arranged them on the plate. Tasting one, I happily squealed again at their deliciousness.

I almost ran out of the bathroom, shoving the plate to Emaddie.

"What are these?" she asked, surprised.

"Lemon cookies!" I answered. "Just eat them!"

"Ugh, they smell funny," she said, before taking a bite. "These are good," she said with a grin.

Alice's point of view

I was sorting through my clothes when I sensed a disturbance in the force. I checked the future of my entire family, and all was normal except for one. Emaddie was eating lemon cookies, drizzled in _poop_.

I ran into the living room and screamed, "STOP!"

"What?" Emaddie said in mid-bite.

"That's not chocolate," I told her, my voice weary.

** Sorry, but that's the end of our awesome story. But, GOOD NEWS! We have a SEQUEL, called "There is Something Seriously Wrong with These People." We also have another story, starring US, AS SISTERS OF AWESOME SISTERNESS, titled "Totally Hilarious, Just READ IT!" we were going to name it "We Couldn't even Think of a Name to match the Awesomeness of this Story" but it wouldn't fit. *cry, sad.* SOOOO, Read the sequel, and the other one. AND REVIEW! OR WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BITE YOUR NOSE OFF IN YOUR SLEEP! Teehee! :)**

**~Emmy and Maddie~**

**OH! And I almost forgot, I wrote something called "The Secret Life of the Cullens" all by myself, but I'm not sure if I should keep writing. Read and review the few chapters I have, and tell me if it SUCKED. I just need your honest opinion because I don't want to waste my time on a crappy story.**

**~Maddie~**


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